You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm always down for nudity.
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