Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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