Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
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