I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
