Have you finally orgasmed yet?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
