just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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