So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
