Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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