i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
