cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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