whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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