wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
