Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
