we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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