I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
