he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
