wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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