I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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