Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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