I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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