Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
