My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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