it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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