first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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