I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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