Yo dont text me then not text me
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
