why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
