you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
