he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
