I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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