does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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