He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
