Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Boobs are out for the taking
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
