You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
