i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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