I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
