I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
