I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
