he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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