im six kinds of drunk right now
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
