and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
