maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
