no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
