did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Houston, we have a blender
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
