oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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