What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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