Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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