there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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