Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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