if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
