I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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