my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
