Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
