I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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