I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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