just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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