Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
