You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
