Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
